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SHOCK NEWS: IS FOOD GOOD FOR YOU?

Groundbreaking new research released today suggests that under some circumstances, food may be not be as harmful as it's traditionally been thought.

"Of course, this is a small-scale preliminary study," said lead scientist Totally Made Up Name, "but it indicates that the human body may actually need a certain number of calories to function properly. However, it's possible that these results only apply to people who engage in intense activities like moving, talking or thinking."

Speaking on behalf of the National Association For Nutrition And Dieting But Mostly Dieting, J. Also Made Up Name cautioned that this research shouldn't lead people to adopt fad diets that are high in protein, fat or carbohydrates. "It's important for people to remember that food is still fundamentally evil."

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Context is concerned about the effects of food on the population.