metaquotes | vass is practicing being a Good Patient

I woke up at 6:30 (don't worry, I went to sleep before midnight) and lay in bed composing a symptom list and relevant history list so I don't forget anything, googling the doctor in question, googling "how to report pain" so I ask the "right" way and get believed, reviewing the DBT app's advice on how to ask for something, and making notes for myself on how to apply that to the present situation.

And ranting on Twitter about how fucked up it is that this is how I approach a medical appointment: like I'm applying for a job, or asking for a raise. Like I have to dress and act and answer the questions exactly right or I won't get treatment and that'll be on me. Like there's a trick to not being told there's nothing wrong with you by someone who hasn't even examined you yet and will be receiving $300 for this interaction.

"What can I do for you today?" "I have my own driver's license and a reliable car. I have a great sense of humour and like long -- no, brisk -- walks on the beach. My biggest failing as a patient is that I work too hard."

"When did this start happening?" "Since before I weighed this much. I am maintaining a daily meditation practice, and see a massage therapist regularly. In my last assessment, my psychologist said that she did not believe my pain was psychosomatic in nature. I eat a healthy diet. I also volunteer, in order to give back to the community."

"How frequent is the pain?" "In my last paid position, I provided technical advice, was responsible for invoicing and receivables and expenditures, and overhauled her filing workflow, and documented it for future employees. In my volunteer roles, I wrote a patch for an open source software project, managed volunteers at four different polling places concurrently at the last federal election, made calls to undecided voters in the last state election, was responsible for the health and wellbeing of six batches of foster kittens and thirteen unhatched and newly hatched chickens, many of whom do not know their right hand from their left."

"What have you been doing to treat your pain so far?" "I take the chicken across first, then cross back alone. Then I take the fox across and take the chicken back. Then I take the corn across and go back alone, after which I bring the chicken across."

"Can you describe the severity for me, on a scale of one to ten, where zero is no pain and ten is the worst pain you can imagine?" "Normally he gets off at the sixth floor, because that's as far as he can reach, but on rainy days he goes all the way up to the twelfth floor because he can use his umbrella to reach the button."

"What tests have you had before?" "I have a Bachelor of Music from the University of Melbourne."

"And how can I help you? Hmm. Can I even help you?" "You don't bury survivors."

Context is locked; QWP. vass would like to give credit for inspiration to this Code Slate article.